The phone startled Marissa so much that she nearly dropped her book. JC and Joey had left sometime the day before, and while she'd enjoyed the short time she'd spent with them, she'd hated the reminder that Chris wasn't there. It was, however, fair, as Anika had pointed out to her last night. Chris had flown out to see her without bringing the others.
The phone rang again, jerking her back to the real world, and she picked it up. "This is Marissa," she said.
"Hey."
She couldn't stop the smile that crossed her face at the sound of Chris' voice. "Hey yourself, boyo. How was your weekend?"
He sighed. "Not as nice as Joey's, to hear him talk about it."
"Tell me about yours?" She still felt she was outside of his life, a convenient stopping point that he breezed in and out of without thought, without feeling. Surely that wasn't the case, but she still felt that way.
"Saturday was talks with Nordstrums about getting the clothes into more of their stores, and Sunday was the Child Watch thing." He sighed again. "It was lonely."
She laughed. "Serves you right for taking Justin instead of me!"
The pause was short, but it was there, and she stifled a sigh. "You may be right, there," he said, and she could hear his grin. It didn't make her feel any better.
"So tell me what happened?" she asked.
"Not a lot. Nordstrums seemed to be happy with the way the stuff's been selling so far, but they seem hesitant to expand." He sighed. "I did a lot of talking, and Justin did a little modeling for me. It was funny, but he pulled it off without falling over laughing in front of them."
Marissa chuckled. "That's good. Because having your model fall over laughing cannot be good salesmanship."
Chris laughed. "Oh, no. Definitely not. And it didn't help that he doesn't look at all like a girl."
"You made him wear the girl's line?" Marissa asked, incredulous.
"Lack of foresight on my part - and on his. He didn't say anything, but Terry said he about died laughing a couple of times backstage. He really enjoyed showing off his own designs, though."
"Yeah, I bet he did." She chuckled. "Ever more of a big head, I guess?"
There was a short silence, then he chuckled. "Yeah, I guess so."
Marissa slapped her forehead. She had to watch what she said! "But they're going to let you expand?"
"Yeah. We fought for it."
"Did you celebrate?"
He chuckled. "Not Saturday night."
"So, how did the Child Watch thing go?"
"Good."
Marissa sighed softly. "How, good?"
He laughed. "I just spoke. Not very long or anything, I mean, I don't know anyone who disappeared or anything, but I'm doing what I can, you know?"
"Yeah, I know. I think that's great..." she said, and made her self stop before she made another mistake like the one she'd just said.
"But?"
"But? No, no buts! Definitely. I really do think that's great, that you're willing to support them. I'm guessing Justin went with you?"
The silence was longer this time, and Marissa fought to keep from crying in utter frustration. How did she do that? "Yeah, but he was no help at all." There was mirth in his voice.
"Oh? What happened?"
Chris cleared his throat. "He... had a hangover and sat in the back of the room and made faces at me."
Marissa burst into laughter, her tears forgotten. "You have got to be kidding me. He made faces at you?" You got him drunk? Her thoughts echoed in wild laughter.
"I have never worked so hard not to laugh. It's a serious thing, you know, and when my first joke bombed, I left the rest out."
She chuckled. "And Justin just kept trying to get you to laugh?"
He sighed. "He almost succeeded."
"Why?"
"I was concentrating too hard on what I was saying to ignore him. I was a little nervous."
"What was it for?"
"Actually, I was trying to help get more support. I can donate money, but even I can do only so much." There was bitterness in his voice.
"I know. Did it go over okay?" she asked, trying to sooth him a little.
"I think so. It's just... it's hard to know. I'm not used to that kind of crowd."
"No, I don't suppose. Most people who have come to see you have come because they believed in you. You were trying to do something outside of yourself. That's harder."
There was a long silence. "Huh," he finally said.
"What?" she asked, almost afraid of the answer.
"I don't know. I just thought you wouldn't understand."
Marissa closed her eyes in some pain, but the beep of call waiting saved her. "Oh. Can you hang on a minute?"
"Sure. What's wrong?"
She managed a laugh. "Nothing. There's another call." She clicked over before he could protest. "This is Marissa."
"Hey, Marissa. We're going out to dinner. I'll be there in about fifteen minutes," Anika told her shortly.
"Um... okay. I'll leave the door open. I'm on the phone with Chris."
"Okay. See you then!"
"Bye." Before she clicked back over, she went to unlock the door, then took a deep breath and picked up the phone. "Hey."
"Who was it?"
"Anika. We're going to dinner. I've got about fifteen minutes. What's the plan for this week for you?"
Chris laughed. "Okay, quick change of topic. Plan for the week... hang out at FuManSkeeto and drive everyone there crazy. They tell me I'm good at it."
"Really. Imagine." She hoped there was enough humor in there to lighten the sarcasm. He was beginning to drive her nuts.
"Hey!" he protested, and she chuckled.
"Sorry, but you just left it so open!"
"I did." He chuckled softly, then sighed. "Riss, I have to go. There's a huge person poking my shoulder in absolute irritation, and he told me I have to get off the phone to make him stop."
"All right. Travel safe, Chris."
"I will. Have a good evening."
"I'll do my best." She heard the click of his phone before she hung up with a sigh.
Marissa was curled up in the corner of her room, hugging her knees to her chest and looking miserable when Anika arrived. Anika knelt next to her and touched her arm. "What's the matter?" she asked gently.
"He breezes in and out of my life," Marissa said softly, "as if it were nothing but a stopping point for him. And I...." She put her head down. "I could so easily lose myself in him. I don't know what to do." Her words were muffled, but still carried clearly to JC, who had followed Anika in and stood in the doorway, hands shoved deep into his pockets. He lifted an eyebrow as Anika glanced at him.
"Have you told Chris?" she asked, turning her attention back to her friend.
"Tell him what? That he turns my world upside down every time he comes? That it's worse when he's gone? How do I put that into any kind of words that will make sense?" She sighed and leaned her head against the wall. "I can't give him that kind of power."
Anika smiled. "He already has it."
Marissa looked at her. "Yeah, but he doesn't know it. I can't even imagine what it would be like if he knew how he affected me."
"He knows," JC said, stepping further into the room. Marissa looked at him.
"I'm doomed," she said softly, a smile playing around her lips. She was too upset to be embarrassed. "Hi, JC. I thought you'd left already."
"No, I don't think so," he said, ignoring her greeting for now, and crouched down, still across the room from her. "Part of the reason he 'breezes in and out of your life' is that he's just as scared as you are. You're both so intense, and there is no halfway point for you."
She laughed bitterly. "In other words, we're hopeless."
Anika shook her head. "Aren't you always? Can't speak for Chris, of course," she added with a grin. Marissa sighed, and Anika's grin faded.
"When did this feeling of no control first hit you?" JC asked.
"The first time he kissed me," she said.
"At Joe's?" Anika asked. Marissa nodded.
"When?" JC asked, confused.
Marissa sighed. "When you were on the walk with Anika, while we were in Orlando the first time."
JC stared at her. "Why didn't you say something?"
"Like what? Besides, I figured at the time he hadn't really wanted to do that; he ran out of there like 1000 fans were after him, to quote Joe." JC chuckled. "So, what do I do?"
"Move to Orlando," JC suggested.
"Oh, right...." She shook her head. "That would just make it worse."
"Why?"
She took a deep breath. "I don't want him to think I'm some sort of.... I don't know, rabid fan or anything." She lay her forehead on her knees again. "Sometimes I wish I hadn't let Joey sit down."
"He's got you terrified." JC sighed and sat down on the floor. "I told him that would backfire. I don't think he'd mind if you moved out there."
She looked up, her smile twisted. "I've done some weird things for boys, but that would about take the cake," she said. "No, I'd better stay here. It'll be better for you guys in the long run, anyway."
"How?" Anika asked.
"I can't distract him."
JC laughed. "I'm not sure you know what you're talking about. I get distracted very easily every time Anika crosses my mind, and I don't think it has anything to do with distance."
"Yeah, but you can't run out of the studio at any time and go visit her. Which is also why she isn't moving down there." JC glanced at Anika, a sly smile on his face. Marissa didn't see it.
"Actually," Anika said slowly, shifting uncomfortably, and Marissa stared at her.
"You aren't," she said, horrified.
She nodded. "I might be."
Marissa groaned. "You know, JC, this makes me wish even more I'd told Joe to go fly a kite that night in the club." She closed her eyes.
"So, what do you have here, that makes you want to stay?" Anika asked. "You hate your job, I'm probably leaving, and the man you love is not here."
Marissa's eyes opened in some shock, and she stared up at her friend. "Love?" she choked.
"Love," JC reiterated. She looked at him, just as surprised. "It's obvious," he said grinning when she didn't respond. "And stop looking at me like I have two heads. You two deserve each other. You're both stubborn. Justin practically had to twist Chris' arm off to get him to even admit he liked you; once he did that, the rest was easy."
Marissa put her head down again. "Okay, I kill Joe, then I kill Justin. And then you." She sighed, then looked up. "By the time I'm done, all of *N Sync will be dead. Me, too, as soon as your fans get hold of me. When do you move?" she asked Anika.
"Next month. After the new year, if I go. Are you going to come?"
"As of right this moment, not snowball's chance in the Mojave." Moving stiffly, she uncurled and stood up, groaning slightly. "Are you here for dinner, or do you have something planned for the evening?"
"We're taking you out," JC said. "Remember?"
"Oh, no. I know better than to go anywhere with a couple, never mind that one of them is famous." Marissa grinned. "Thanks, but I'll pass." Besides, I need time!
"We invited you," Anika said.
"You said we, I thought you meant you and me! I didn't know Casanova was still here!"
Anika stood, shooting JC a triumphant grin. He didn't see it, staring in some surprise at Marissa. "It wasn't a suggestion, Riss."
"That is Lance's death sentence," she muttered.
"So what's Chris'?" JC asked. Anika slipped past him, her hand brushing his shoulder.
"He's been dead a long time," Marissa said. "Need a hand up?" She extended a hand to him; he took it and she helped him up. He didn't let go of her hand, however, and pulled her after him. Anika handed Marissa her jacket, and they pulled her out the door almost before she was able to form a protest. Anika locked the door, and put the keys in her pocket.
"There. Now you can't get back in unless you go with us," she said.
Marissa sighed, pulled her hand from JC's grip, and put the jacket on, deciding to make the most of it. "Fine. JC, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure, what is it?"
"What can you tell me about Tamara?"
"Ask Chris."
She sighed at his immediate answer. "He won't tell me anything. I'm just trying to understand him, JC. And why he reacted to Joey's situation the way he did." They walked down to the car; Anika trailed behind, letting them talk with some illusion of privacy, at least.
He paused long enough for them to walk across the parking lot and get into Anika's car. "Okay... what did you want to know?"he finally asked.
"Why didn't you like her?"
"Oh." He thought a minute. "She seemed slimy to me, like she had hidden motives. Jordan Knight never liked her; he said she'd tried to come between him and his girlfriend before. He fired her as soon as he was done with the tour. She and Chris had it out about then. I don't even know what about, except that whatever she said totally destroyed him."
"How?"
He gave a low chuckle. "You tell me, Marissa. You caught the brunt of his reaction."
"Oh." She thought about that for a minute. "I see, I think. So, whatever it was they were arguing about, it had something to do with his fame, and how she was using him because of it?"
"That's my guess," JC said. "But I don't know if anyone even heard that fight. I heard the yelling, but I was far enough away that the words weren't clear."
"Huh." She pursed her lips in thought. "Thanks, JC," she said, wishing she had her planner and her notes from the rest of the guys. Interesting....
"Not a problem," he said.
She let herself back in two hours later with a headache, wishing she'd demanded that they leave her alone on the whole 'move to Orlando' thing. The more Anika talked about it, the more sure Marissa was that her friend was going. Wanting Justin's input on the Chris/Tamara mess, she called his number and left a message on his voice mail, then collapsed on the couch and stared at the blank TV screen, her mind in turmoil.
The phone rang, snapping her out of her trance, and she got up to answer it. "Hello?" she said, expecting Justin's cheery voice.
"Hey, Marissa."
She sat down, a smile on her face. "Hey, Chris. What's up?"
"I was thinking about you, and the next thing I knew, my fingers were dialing your number."
She chuckled. "You ought to have more control over them."
"No, I like this! Especially when you're home."
"You haven't picked up Joey's habit of not leaving a message, have you?" The thought crossed her mind that this was just way too hard for her to deal with, and she stifled a sigh. At this point, though, like Clara, she'd take what she could get.
"At least I didn't leave a hang up," he muttered sheepishly. "Besides, you couldn't have called me back. I'm not home yet."
"I guessed that," she said. "Where are you?"
"Walking out of the Orlando airport. Quietly, carefully, about a zillion people are here, and while I seriously doubt it's for me, I don't want to draw attention to myself."
"Why?"
"Well, imagine this is a crowd for Backstreet Boys. Do you know how dead I might well turn out?"
Marissa laughed. "I can hear the news: ‘N Sync's Chris Kirkpatrick trampled by Backstreet fans; film at eleven," she said in her best news anchor voice. "Not for the squeamish," she added after a minute.
"Where did that come from?" he demanded, laughing.
"Frank Miller's graphic novel "The Dark Knight Returns." It's a great story, but it was said for when the head of a mutant gang ripped the mayor's throat out with his teeth."
"Ouch...." Behind him, he heard someone ask "Chris Kirkpatrick?" He sighed. "I'll call you later, okay?"
"Bye." She hung up and buried her face in her hands.
The phone rang and she answered it automatically. "Hello."
"What's wrong?"
She chuckled. "I'm being inundated by people from some group that nine months ago I didn't even like that much! Hi, Justin. What's up?"
"You didn't like us?"
"Well, not really. I mean, I love "I Want You Back," but I never paid that much attention to anything else." She shrugged. "You're racking up your phone bill again. What's up?"
"Um, you called me," he said, almost warily.
With a shock, Marissa remembered that she had left a message for him before Chris had called, and she slapped her forehead. "So I did. Sorry."
"Have you talked to Chris?" he asked before she could say anything else.
"Yeah, I just got off the phone with him," she said warily, not entirely sure why he was asking.
He sighed. "He's gonna be frustrated again, then. I'll start getting all the ice out of my house."
Marissa laughed. "That bad?"
"That bad." He chuckled. "Hey, Marissa?"
"Yeah?"
"When are you coming to visit?"
"Probably not until after your next tour brings you to Portland."
"That's way too long," he pouted.
"Justin, you've got to have friends your age there!"
"I do! But they don't know how to take me."
"With a tablespoon of salt," she laughed. "Or in a group of people, heavily diluted."
"Hey!" he protested, giggling in spite of himself. "Just don't say bound and gagged. That's Chris' new thing."
"Really? Remind me to stay away from him." He burst into laughter, and she chuckled.
"I don't think you can," he said when he'd calmed down.
"No? I'm about as far from him as I can get," she said. "Portland and Orlando are on opposite ends of the country."
"Do you want to?" She couldn't answer him, the question bringing up more questions than she'd thought of, more than she wanted to think of. It was a good question, and suddenly she realized that she needed an answer to it, not necessarily for Justin, but for herself. Did she want to stay away from him? "Marissa? What happened?" She winced at the worry in his voice.
"Oh, nothing. At least to me." She laughed, but it sounded forced. "Nothing, Justin, really. I just have a lot to think about, and that is one of the things, although I hadn't realized it until you said it."
"Chris is going to kill me."
"I'll protect you," she offered.
He laughed. "That would be a sight... I can only imagine how it would end. Both of you battered, bleeding, and making out like it was the end of the world."
She flushed, very grateful he wasn't in the room with her to see it. "Justin Randall Timberlake, you are a dead man! Just be glad I don't live in Orlando!" She paused. "Hey, Justin, mind if I pick your brain?"
"I'm assuming that's why you called me."
She smiled a little. "What can you tell me about Tamara?"
Justin's end of the line went silent. "Why?"
Marissa laughed incredulously. "Why? You know why, Justin. Why didn't you guys like her?"
The silence was shorter. "I didn't like her because she always seemed too fake to me. We didn't travel much with her, only a month or so, but within a week Chris was hanging around her and I think they got pretty involved. She never even came close to getting herself fired, but she caused Chris to be late countless times." He paused again. "I'm pretty sure I was just jealous," he said, sounding a little embarrassed. "He was my best friend and all of a sudden it was like he was ignoring me. And I was pretty young."
Marissa let out an amused chuckle. "You were?"
"Hey!"
"Justin, you're still young. You'll always be young to me." She chuckled. "And you aren't that much older, only what... four years?"
"Three. But I think that's part of what I didn't like about her. I really didn't like her when they broke up. Chris was really bitter for a while - obviously. Even when he seemed to get over it, he hadn't yet."
Marissa nodded slowly. "Enter me.... Right."
Justin chuckled. "Exactly."
"Huh. Okay, thanks, Justin. I've got to go, but email me later, okay?"
"Okay. See you."
Marissa hung up and grabbed her planner to jot down notes from the conversation. She was dying of curiosity and really wanted to know about this. So far, she was in luck.
The next evening, Marissa read over her notes for the millionth time, wishing she knew what had so upset Chris. She sighed, turned to the addresses, then reached for the phone and dialed a number. His was the last one, really. She'd talked to everyone else.
"Hello?" he answered warily.
"Joey?"
"Who is this?"
"Marissa, sorry. I know you guys have told me to identify myself when I call you, but I keep forgetting."
He chuckled. "It's okay. Yeah, this is me. What's up?"
She paused. "What can you tell me about Tamara?"
Silence. She almost laughed. "Why?"
"Because I'm trying to understand Chris better."
The silence went longer. "How's that?"
"All he told me is that she showed her true colors. I don't understand that. What were they?"
The silence dragged on again. "I don't think I should talk about this, Marissa. He should tell you, if he wants."
She sighed in frustration. "All right, then, can you tell me why you didn't like her?"
"Hm..." he said reflectively. "She wasn't really interested in Chris. At least, not as a person. She showed some interest in me, too, but that dropped off pretty quickly. She was really snappish with a friend of his that came out to visit when he was starting to really get going with FuManSkeeto."
"Why?"
"I guess she felt threatened. Chris set her straight, though. I don't know what he said, but she pouted silently until Danielle went home."
"So, you didn't like her because..."
"Because she pretended. She was fake. Chris didn't see it, and actually got mad at JC a couple of times when he tried to talk to him about it. We finally just let him do whatever. And managed not to say 'I told you so' after their final argument."
"Do you know what that was about? JC said it was after she found out Jordan was going to let her go, at the end of his leg of your tour."
Joey chuckled. "Oh, yeah. I was unfortunate enough to be next door. Chris was always very careful - he still is, which I guess you know - about his rendezvous."
Marissa choked. "Um, no. I don't. It's never come up."
The silence dragged forever this time. "Oh?" Joey finally asked.
"No. But you say he's careful?"
"Yeah."
"So why was this an issue?"
He paused a little. "She wanted him to get her pregnant. He explained that it wasn't an option right now, that a child shouldn't be something he had to deal with, it should be something he wanted. He asked why she didn't want to wait - which made me think I was hearing a later part of the conversation - and didn't I say I wasn't going to talk about this?"
"Oh, don't you dare stop there, Fatone," Marissa said flatly. "What did she say?"
"I don't think..."
Marissa sighed. "I know, and you're probably right. I should ask him. But I did, and he... all he said was that she showed her true colors."
"Let's just say she was as fake as we thought she was. It took him a while to recover."
"Yeah, I guess..." Her voice faded. "Well, anyway, thanks, Joey. I guess he was really crushed?"
"Flattened," Joey said softly. "He kept going, and eventually the humor was real again, but for a while it was just habit, his way of dealing with things."
"Ah..." She nodded. "Okay. Thanks again, Joey. And if you change your mind, call me, okay? or email, I don't care which."
He chuckled. "I'll keep it in mind, but I don't think it will happen."
"Yeah, well... Can't blame me for trying, right?"
"Right. Good bye, Marissa."
"Bye, Joey." She hung up and grabbed for her planner. She almost had the whole picture. Maybe it was enough. But she didn't like it one bit.
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