"Ikey." The small voice and the tugging on his pants made Isaac's attention stray from the trigonometry he was trying desperately to get a grasp on. "Ikey, pease have Powew Wangew watew?" Mackenzie accompanied his request with another tug on Isaac's pants.
Isaac stared down at him, trying to process his request. Power Ranger water? Then it clicked. "Oh. Sure, Mackie." He felt, more often than not, that he was still under the influence of the sedatives, except when he was trying to fall asleep at night. He read through a lot of nights, but that was beginning to ease up. Finally. He never even thought about the ice that still filled his chest.
"Ikey," Mackenzie said, impatient now.
"Yeah." He closed the book and stood up. "Come on." He lifted Mackenzie, ignoring the twinge in his left wrist, and walked to the kitchen. He set his brother down and began to search through the cupboard for the Power Rangers cup they'd had for years. Grasping the handle, he pulled it out. It had been Zac's, even if he'd been too old....
His arm convulsed, knocking a glass from the cupboard. His body shuddered again, and he pushed Mackenzie away from the glass as it shattered on the linoleum. He heard Mackenzie start to cry, felt the coolness of something against his back, then his awareness narrowed to the convulsions that shook him.
When they passed, he tried to catch his breath. He could hear Mackenzie sniffling, and realized a couple of things. One was that he sat against something cool, and had no idea how he'd gotten there. The other was that the sounds he heard from Mackenzie were far over his head. He opened his eyes, looking up at his mother, who held the little boy and looked back down at him with worry in her eyes. He waited for the anger to replace it.
"What happened, Isaac?"
She even sounded worried. What was up? She'd stopped leaving him alone lately, and he was afraid this was going to turn into an interrogation. "Um. Mackie wanted a drink of water. I knocked a glass down, so I pushed him out of the way."
"Thank you for that. But, Isaac, how did you end up on the floor against the refrigerator?"
What? He struggled to his feet and she stepped back. Yes, get out of the way. I might knock him away from you, he thought bitterly. "I don't know."
One eyebrow went up. "You don't know?" He flinched, then realized that she sounded more worried than disbelieving. What was up? "Did you cut yourself?"
Worry. She was worried. Bad. "No, I'm fine. I'll clean this up." He slipped past her to the broom closet and pulled out the broom and a dustpan. When he turned around, she was gone. He'd nearly finished when it crashed in on him. Mackenzie could have been seriously hurt. He leaned on the broom, balancing himself with a hand on the counter, and tried to calm down. He wanted to stay, but if the little ones were in danger....
"Isaac?" His father's voice, then a strong arm wrapped around his waist, holding him up. "Come and sit down." He let the broom go and it fell against the counter, slid along it, and clattered to the floor. He didn't think he would have made it to the chair without his father's help. Settled in one of the chairs around the table, he clasped his hands and stared at them. "What happened?"
"I knocked a glass down," he said, without looking up. 'Please, let me stay, somehow I can make it okay,' he thought frantically.
"How? Mackie said something about you being cold." His father's fingers were warm on his chin as they raised his head. "Are you?"
"No, I...." He still didn't look at his father, eyes cast down. "I had some sort of seizure. Remember the CAT scan?" He had to remember to pay them back for that.
"Yes."
"And the reason I had it?"
"Yes."
"That's what happened, getting Mackie's cup down. I knocked a glass out of the cupboard."
His father let him go, and his head dropped back down. "That's more serious than they told us."
Isaac's head shot up. "I'll try harder, Dad, I don't want to have to go, I want to...."
"Isaac." Walker's voice cut through his frantic babbling, and he shut his mouth. "We aren't going to send you anywhere." The words drove into his brain, and he realized how selfish he was being. He shook his head.
"But what if the little ones get hurt? Or even Tay? Dad, I don't want to go, but I don't know when they come, or why." His eyes dropped again, his hands tightening. "Maybe, if you aren't going to send me away, I should just go."
"Ike...."
"But they'd be safe!" he protested.
"No!" Taylor came in, cheeks flushed, eyes flashing. "You are not going to just give up this time!" He leaned on the table with one hand, his left grabbing Isaac's chin and forcing his brother to look at him. "You did that once on Jessie's birthday. You're not going to again, even if it means I have to become your shadow." He let Isaac go and pushed himself away from the table, folding his arms across his chest.
Isaac looked at him in disbelief, trembling. "You'd jeopardize...."
"It was an accident." Taylor's voice was low, each word pronounced clearly and evenly. "Those happen, Ike, no matter how we try not to have them."
"But...."
"Isaac. It's settled. It's not like you can disappear anyway." His father's smile had a wry twist to it.
Isaac sighed. He was right about that. He nodded. "I'll finish cleaning that up," he said softly, and got up to do so. He heard them leave, and was glad they'd left him alone.
"My mother doesn't mind, Diana. And both my family and yours will help. We have to help Isaac get past this." His name caused Isaac to stop at the door to his own room, then drift down to just outside his parents' room. Why were they talking about him? "I'm not saying you can't go to the hospital, but Isaac needs help. He needs you."
"I have never seen him look so... lost. As if he'd lost all hope." Her voice was almost dreamy, then she sighed. "All right."
"I'm staying," Taylor said quietly. Staying? that meant everyone else was going. They were keeping him home and sending the others away? What kind of logic was that?
"I think that's a good idea," Walker said. "Taylor can help."
"Help with what." He'd had enough of them talking about his situation when he wasn't there. They couldn't do anything about it anyway. He stepped into the room. None of them even had the decency to look guilty or ashamed.
"Help you," Walker said.
"Did I just put this all together correctly? You're sending everyone else away? Why? That doesn't make any sense!"
"Stop yelling, Isaac," Diana said firmly. "Sit down."
He glanced around at the three determined faces, and did as he was told. "What."
Walker almost laughed. "I haven't seen you that stubborn in a while. Now, listen, Isaac. When that look is on your face, you don't."
He took a deep breath and tried to relax. "Okay."
"We are sending the little kids away to see if we can find out why you break out in these convulsions, and to see how to stop them. The one you had today scared Mackie more that you hurt him when you pushed him out of the way." Walker stood up to pace. "We have to do something to keep that from happening again. No one wants you to just disappear."
Haven't talked to Avery, have you? he thought, but didn't say anything.
"You are a part of this family, and we have to do something," his mother started.
"We just don't know what. Yet," Walker said.
Isaac sighed. "It doesn't really matter what I say, does it?" he asked.
Diana eyed him carefully, and his shoulders hunched under her gaze. She could make him so uncomfortable. Had that always been, or was that a recent development, when he started letting her down? Her forehead wrinkled in confusion, and he looked away from her, folding his arms. "No, not this time," she said, sounding defeated.
"All right. I'll leave you to your plans." He fled the room for his own. Curled up on his bed, he stared at the wall for a long time before he fell asleep.
Two days later they were gone. Isaac woke to an empty silence, and was almost angry about it. They'd left without saying good bye. On the other hand, if he wasn't awake, he couldn't hurt anyone. He dressed, got his books, and fled to the den, hoping he'd be left alone.
He had no such luck. "Hey, Ike." He looked up at Taylor, and cringed from the hope in his eyes.
"Yeah?" he asked warily.
"Mom would like you to drive me to that music store downtown."
Isaac looked down, his fingers rubbing on the page of the book. "Where is she?"
"At Grandma's." Taylor sat down on the arm of the couch.
"Don't let her see you doing that. Where's dad?"
"He's at the hospital. Come on, Ike. Today's the last day they'll hold that keyboard for me."
"Can't you call and ask them to hold it longer?"
"I tried. It's against policy. Please, Ike." He was beginning to beg.
"Why haven't you gone already?"
"It's been kind of hectic around here. Mom hasn't been home much, and there was no one to leave the kids with if Dad took me. They just about had a fit last time we all went, remember? Mackie almost knocked the whole guitar display down." There was no hint of the sarcasm that should have been in his words.
Isaac sighed; that was true enough. "The bus?" He knew he was clutching at straws now. Suggesting that Taylor Hanson, the Taylor Hanson, ride the bus and possibly get mobbed by a bunch of screaming teenies, came really close to insanity.
"Right." He sighed. "By the time I get there on the bus, it'll be closed. Besides, Ike, that guitar you wanted to check out again is still there; I asked. You need strings, and we're almost out of staff paper."
"There's an extra pad in my back pack. Use that." He didn't want to think about his guitar.
"You're giving up." That was the same tone he'd used about the email; Isaac cringed.
"No. I simply would rather study." He was surprised his voice came out so calm.
"Trig? Since when?"
"Since it's easier to focus on than my life! Leave me alone, Taylor!"
"You can't ignore your life." The keys flashed through the sunlight and hit Isaac in the chest. "Now. Come on." He turned to leave. "We won't even go through that intersection."
Isaac's world narrowed sharply as the convulsions started. The trig book fell to the floor with a muted thud, the keys clanging down on top of it. When the seizure finally stopped, he found himself leaning against the arm of the chair, his knees pulled up to his chest. He didn't know how that had happened. He just lay there, trying to catch his breath.
Taylor was suddenly in the doorway, glaring at him. "Come on."
"No." Isaac slowly straightened his legs; they'd cramped this time. "Look, Tay, I'm sorry. But I am a real danger." He stood up hesitantly, not sure if his legs would hold him. They did. "I have no idea what set that seizure off. I don't know why it happened. All I have to do is have one of them on the road, and a lot of people could get hurt, not just you. I didn't start curled up like that." He walked slowly towards the door, limping slightly. "You're not going to bully me into this." Taylor's surprised expression was almost funny. Isaac pushed past him and walked on towards the stairs. "I'm sorry, Taylor. But I'm not driving until these stop." He started up the stairs. Looking over the banister, he could see Taylor scowling at him from the doorway, looking disappointed.
Isaac sighed, feeling bad. He hated seeing Taylor like that, but he wasn't going to drive until he understood what happened to him, and when, and why. He sank down on the floor, his back against the lower bunk, and relaxed.
Someone honked outside, and he started awake, surprised that he'd dozed off.. He went downstairs, feeling much steadier, and watched Taylor head for the door. "Where are you going?" he asked.
"As if you cared," Taylor snapped. Isaac looked away from him and his hands clasped in front of him, twisting slightly.
"I just.... in case Mom comes home," he mumbled. He knew his heart was truly frozen - it didn't hurt. His chest felt full of lead. He turned to go back to the study and his math. Behind him, the door opened.
"Hey, Ike," Taylor said, gentler this time. Isaac turned around, his eyes fixed on his brother's shoes. "I'm sorry. I called Ashleigh, and his mom's taking us. You're right, you shouldn't drive."
Isaac nodded and turned back to the study, but once in there he suddenly hated it. He gathered his books and moved into the kitchen. Amazingly, the quiet helped his focus, and he finished his math assignment quickly.
Wanting a break from schoolwork, he went in search of his notebook, to try to add to the manuscript. He found it where he kept it, on his shelf by the bed. He climbed up onto his bed, grabbed the notebook and the pen attached to it, and started reading the last page he'd written. But instead of seeing the aerial battle he was trying to describe, he relived the accident. Zac's still body crumpled on the hood of the van, his mother's words on the way home....
With a jerk, the notebook went flying across the room, where it hit the dresser and slid to the floor. The same violence threw him against the wall, and his world narrowed sharply. When the convulsions passed, he lay quietly and just breathed. That had been bad, one of the worst, if the cramps in his muscles were any indication. He decided he needed to move, so he climbed down and headed down the stairs.
He was reading on the porch the next day when Taylor sat down on the step next to him. "Hey."
With a sigh and some amusement, Isaac put his book down. "Hi."
Taylor leaned back and took a deep breath. "Ike. You're driving me crazy."
The smile slipped from Isaac's face. "How?" He hadn't meant to be quite so sharp, but he made no apologies.
Taylor shook his head. "No. It was a joke." He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the banister, basking in the sunlight. Isaac watched him for a moment, but when Taylor didn't look up, he went back to his book. "You're really different now, you know." Isaac looked up, but Taylor's eyes were still closed.
"People change."
"I know." He fell silent again. Isaac finally just set his book down and waited. "You've got to be going crazy," Taylor finally said.
"Why?" He meant the sharpness this time; he felt sometimes like he was going crazy. Take the comment about Taylor taking the bus, for instance, he thought to himself. Taylor raised an eyebrow, but didn't open his eyes.
"You told me once that a day without music was a day wasted. Remember that?"
"Yeah. Mom said that once to get me to practice the piano. I used to believe it."
"You've wasted four weeks. How many more will you waste?"
Isaac couldn't say anything for a minute, then gathered himself and stood. "Quite a few, probably." He walked into the house, his mind numb. He'd told that to the whole family, the music had been so important to him. He paused in the doorway of the living room, and stared at the instruments. Even from there he could see that his guitars were dusty, a state completely foreign to them, but he couldn't bring himself to step into the room. It hadn't helped after all. Retreating into the music had simply made his mother angry. He didn't want to bring attention to himself; he wanted to be invisible, to be forgotten, ignored. And they'd sent everyone else away. He spun away from the room, raced out the back door and jumped the steps, barely missing Taylor. He thought he heard Taylor yell at him just before he disappeared into the woods. At least there he had some kind of anonymity.
When he returned to the house, he sat quietly at dinner, and slipped off to bed as soon as he could. He lay in the dark, staring up at the ceiling, wondering how much more of his life had been based on lies.
The next few days went almost exactly the same. It became almost a game as Isaac tried to find places to hide where Taylor wouldn't be able to find him.
"Ike, I need help with this song," he heard a few days later, and sighed. He'd retreated with his English assignment to the tree house, but hadn't been able to concentrate, feeling somewhat fragile. About the time Taylor had found him, he'd decided to go inside anyway.
"Tay, no." He stood but didn't move from his spot as the blood rushed from his head.
"I don't understand. Explain it to me. why not?"
Isaac recovered and walked towards the door, suddenly sure that he had to get down, and now. This had been a bad idea; there were too many memories. "I can't. I don't want to." Taylor didn't move out of the way; Isaac, desperate now, shoved him aside and scrambled down the ladder, sinking to the ground in relief. And no seizure came. He closed his eyes, breathed a sigh of thanks, and got unsteadily to his feet. "Tay?" he called, leaning against the tree. "Sorry I pushed you. Are you okay?"
There was a minute of silence, long enough to make Isaac worry. There was no way he could go back up.... "Yeah," Taylor finally answered. "Are you?" His voice sounded strained.
Isaac looked up to see Taylor peering down at him, and the whole stupid situation struck him as funny. He started to laugh helplessly, and collapsed back to the ground. "Oh, yeah," he gasped out, fairly certain he ought to be committed, "I'm fine. Just fine." Then the seizure hit. When he came to, Taylor was holding him, a scared expression on his face.
"Ike, this is not good," Taylor said. Isaac pulled himself to his feet. It had been a mild one; he wouldn't be limping into the house.
"No," he agreed. "I'm not going back up there." He started across the lawn towards the house.
"That's not what I meant," he heard Taylor say behind him, and ignored it.
A gentle hand on his head brought him out of his English assignment. His mother smiled and bent down to kiss his cheek. "Hi. How was your day?"
Bells went off in his mind. 'No, don't notice me!' his thoughts screamed. "Fine. Why?" he asked warily.
Her smile never slipped. "I wanted to know." She kissed his other cheek. "That's from Jessica. Dinner in ten minutes." He watched her walk from the room, one hand covering the cheek where Jessica's kiss lingered. Then her words sank in and he went to set the table.
He was hiding in the basement the next day when Taylor found him. "Hey, is this yours?" he asked, placing staff paper over the history text that was not sinking in. Isaac looked up, actually glad of the interruption. He knew this stuff, he'd been there even, but nothing the text book said was making any sense at all. He glanced at the music, then took it and looked closer at it. It took a minute before he recognized it, and he immediately began to crumple it. Taylor snatched it out of his hands. "Don't! This is good!"
"Yes, it's mine." It was the keyboard part, he'd noticed. Tay ought to be able to reconstruct the melody pretty easily. It was a simple one.
"How does the rest go?"
"What?" It was simple. Anything complicated had been beyond him.
"The melody." He could hear exaggerated infinite patience in Taylor's voice. "There's more. How does it go?"
Hadn't he finished writing it down? "I don't know." He'd gotten good at lying. The melody was still running through his mind. His conscience didn't bother him; the ice in his chest let nothing through. "Besides, that's just back up," he added almost against his will. Taylor's shoulders had drooped. "The guitar part is in the den, if Mom didn't throw it away."
Taylor perked up. "She wouldn't, Ike. She knows how important it is."
Isaac sighed. "Check on the table by the lamp. That's where I was working."
Taylor turned and ran up the stairs. Isaac followed after a minute, hoping to slip out of the house to avoid this whole situation, and Taylor, just a bit longer. Taylor caught him in the kitchen.
"These are supposed to go together? How?"
"I never got that far. You and Mom kept interrupting me. Why did you wake her up? She needed the sleep."
Taylor stared at him. "Wake her up? When?"
"When I was having nightmares."
"You're still having nightmares," Taylor said matter-of-factly.
"Before. The first time. After the accident."
"Oh." Taylor eyed him, inquisitive. "I didn't wake her up."
Isaac stared at him. "You didn't? She came and got me every night I was up. I don't know how she knew."
Taylor shrugged. "She's a mother. Something we will probably never understand."
"Right." He turned away from Taylor and headed outside. Taylor seemed to have forgotten the reason for the whole conversation, but Isaac was taking no chances. He raced across the porch and the yard to the coolness of the woods. He stayed there until he was sure it was time for dinner. He went back home without any answers.
He knew it was only a temporary reprieve, so when Taylor slipped into the den, music in hand, he was not a surprise. "Okay," he said. "I think I get it. Is this what you were playing that night I turned your amp off?"
Isaac looked at him and sighed. "If I answer you, will you leave me alone?"
Taylor paused, staring at him, and Isaac's shoulders hunched reflexively. "For the rest of the day, sure."
"Fine, yes, that's it. Go away."
Taylor laughed. "I'm going. It's really good. Dark, but good."
Isaac sighed. "Thanks." He went back to his school work.
True to his word, Taylor left him alone until the next day. Isaac looked up from the math and waited. Taylor grinned. "I'm stuck, Ike. Can you help me out?"
Isaac leaned back warily. "How?"
"The keyboard part is incomplete. What goes next?"
"I don't know, Tay."
"Maybe," he hesitated, "maybe if you came and played?"
Isaac tensed. "No, I don't think so. No." He shook his head.
"Why not?"
"I just... I can't, Tay. I can't." He held up a hand as Taylor started to protest. "Don't." He turned back to his work, his hand shaking as he picked up his pencil. A touch on his shoulder startled him and he looked up at Taylor.
"Maybe tomorrow?" he asked gently.
Isaac looked down, away from the look in his eyes. Hope, kinship, love. He cringed inwardly. "Yeah. Maybe."
Days passed, each with a visit from Taylor, until one day, he didn't interrupt. Isaac emerged from the study late in the afternoon and went in search of him. He paused in the living room doorway, but he was not working on the keyboards, with the earphones plugged in. He almost went in and cleared the dust from his guitars, but instead he turned away and continued his search. He finally found his mother in the laundry room.
"Hey," he said, standing uncomfortably in the doorway.
"Hello." She smiled up at him. "Come on in. Would you mind helping?"
"No," he said, and moved awkwardly in to sit next to her.
"How are you feeling?" she asked as he reached to start folding.
Isaac flinched, but forced his hand to remain steady. "I'm fine. Um. Where's Tay?"
"Your father dropped him off at Grandma's on his way to the hospital. Jessie and Avie were asking for him."
Isaac nodded. "How are they?" He listened to her talk about his younger siblings, enjoying the sound of her voice. He'd missed this, missed it desperately. Maybe she was beginning to forgive him. The ice in his chest eased a little.
When they finished the laundry, she hugged him and kissed his cheek again. He stared after her as she left with a load of folded clothes, then gathered his own pile. He felt strange. It had felt so normal. He put his clothes away, then climbed onto his bed, his mind reeling, and stared up at the ceiling, trying to figure out why he felt so odd. When his mother called him down to dinner, he still had no answer.
The next day, Taylor burst in on him before he'd even had the chance to start studying. "Okay, I'm really stuck. I can't make any words work."
Isaac stared at him, feeling a smile twitching at his lips. "There aren't any words, Tay. It's an instrumental."
Taylor looked stumped. "Oh. Well, that explains it."
"Explains what?"
"It's in 7/8 time, or something, Ike. I can't make it work. When are you going to start putting bar lines in?"
"When they print staff paper with them. It takes too long."
"Yeah, yeah." It wasn't as if he hadn't heard it before, Isaac thought. I never put bar lines in. Taylor sighed. "Ike, please. Will you come play it so I have some idea how it goes?"
"Tay, you're obsessed with this. It's just something off the top of my head. Why is it so important to you?"
Taylor leaned against the door frame. "Because you changed. I don't know you anymore. And this music is all I have, sometimes, you know? It's like...." His hands waved futilely in the air, as if he were trying to find the words there. "It's like you're drifting away, and this song is my only link to you."
Isaac stared at him, feeling with a jolt the ice in his chest ease a little more, then sighed. "All right. I'm not promising anything, but I'll try." He set his book down and followed Taylor into the living room. He carefully dusted off one of the guitars, then picked it up and slid the strap over his head. He felt Taylor's eyes on him and flashed him a smile, then turned back to tuning and minor adjustments. Finally, unable to put it off any longer, he took a deep breath, plugged the guitar in, and started.
The ice around his heart shattered with the first note, then everything else was forgotten until his hands began to shake. He could hear Taylor had joined him, then he realized what was happening. It took almost too long to get the guitar off him, and he pushed it away just as the convulsions shook him.
When he came to, he was furious. "This is ridiculous."
Taylor, kneeling next to him, shook his head. "Ike, calm down. You're still shaking."
"I should be." He got slowly to his feet, one hand on the wall to keep his balance. Feelings were getting overwhelming: love, hope, guilt, self-hate, belonging, wanting to belong. "I can't do this."
"You can't do what?" Taylor scrambled to his feet, eyes worried.
"Alone," Isaac added abruptly. "I can't get over this alone."
Taylor took a deep breath, then let it out in some relief. "Okay, so how can I help?"
Isaac pushed himself away from the wall. "How is.... How are Jessie, Avie, Mac and Zoe?" He hated it, hated this weakness, his inability to even think of....
"They're okay. Avery seems happier. I don't think she liked it here much."
Isaac laughed mirthlessly, the pain in his heart welcome after the ice that had shielded it. "No, I don't think she did." H picked up the fallen guitar and set it gently on the stand. "I don't think she was happy here at all." He left the room slowly, retreating to the kitchen and his schoolwork.
Dinner was subdued. Isaac finally set his fork down and cleared his throat. "I need help," he said softly. His mother looked at him, and he forced himself not to cringe away from her. "I can't... function. At all." It was so hard to spit it out, and he hated that. "I need to get past this, so the younger children can come home." He took a deep breath. "You've been avoiding talking about certain topics around me. Don't do that anymore."
"Are you sure?" Walker asked.
Isaac nodded. "Or I'll never get past it."
"So what happened?" Avery asked.
"Oh, I eventually got used to hearing about Zac, got back into playing. It was hard."
"There was one incident that scared me to death," Diana said. "Another doctor came into Zac's room one day just before I left. He said that he had reviewed Zachary's case, and felt that he would never come out of the coma. He told me it would be in our best interest, financially and emotionally, to just let him die."
"I remember that," Isaac grimaced.
"Yes. When I relayed that at dinner, Isaac's reaction was..."
"Violent?" Isaac asked. "It had never come on so fast. One minute I was sitting at the table, then I was curled up on the floor, and everyone was down there with me. It was bad, too, because I almost couldn't move. I know I had to pick up my chair, and I think Taylor did, too."
"So did your father."
"Dad?" Avery laughed.
"Yes. I don't think I have ever been so scared. I hadn't seen any of the minor seizures he had, I'd simply somehow missed them all. This one scared me."
Avery nodded, then moved to refill the glasses. "How long were we at Grandma's?"
"It was about six weeks, I think," Diana said. "It was interesting. Jessica sent messages home to Isaac all the time. You didn't. I knew you were mad at him, but I didn't realize how mad until I brought you all home."
"Why? What happened?" she asked, sitting back down.
"Oh..." Isaac said, and leaned back. "That just about did me in."
Go on to Next Chapter | Eclipse