Jon checked into the rehab center two days after he left the hospital, and found he didn't have the endurance he used to have. He hadn't realized how much energy a person needed to get through a normal day. Then he realized he hadn't had a normal day in so long he didn't know what to do with one. He chuckled at his stupidity, then wondered about how long it had been since he'd had such a dumb train of thought.
The house psychologist made an appointment with him shortly after his first interview with his counselor. He went slowly down the hall to her office, and waited nervously in the reception area. It was still weird to him, not to have boundless energy, but he thought he might get used to it again. He had been trying to remember what happened the night before he left, but what he remembered and what he had seen the next morning never coincided.
In the office, the psychiatrist looked closely at him. "The doctor says you said you don't remember taking the drug," she began.
"I don't. I remember why I might have started taking it, but I don't ever remember buying it or taking it," he said. She looked at him for a minute, then looked at his record.
"Why were you taking it?" she asked.
"If it had been my choice, it would have been because of the fights with my brother and cousin. We're usually very close, and I guess it got too much."
"Give me some details - the first time you took the drugs."
Jonathan paused to gather his thoughts. "I had just had a fight with my brother Jordan and our cousin, Sam." He paused again, guilt and anger roiling in him. "I said some things I wish I hadn't, and heard some that weren't very nice but probably true. I'd had a bad day already - nothing seemed to be going right." He shrugged dismissively. "Anyway, I left and went for a walk. I didn't really go anywhere, just needed to get out. I remember everything I did, or at least I think so, and it don't include stopping at the drug store.
"I was ... hyper for the concert that night, and the rush seemed to last longer than usual. I had real hard time getting up the next morning, and I think I slept all day on the bus."
"How did you know you stopped at a drug store?" He didn't meet her eyes.
"I was on my way to breakfast and met one of the guys in the other band. He told me that not only did I buy something, but when he tried to stop me, I hit him." He stood suddenly and paced. "I can remember it all very clearly. But I don't remember going into any store at all, and I certainly don't remember hitting Chris. I just don't do that." He stopped in sudden confusion and sank into a chair. His face paled, remembering his hotel room before he'd left. But again, he thought he might be able to recreate the disaster he'd seen, but didn't remember making it. "Is it possible that I'm just blocking the memories?" His voice shook slightly.
She didn't answer for a minute, then let out her breath in a long "Oooh" of comprehension. Then she fell silent again. "I don't know. With a memory like yours, if what you say is true, then either you are blocking the memories because you don't want to remember, or they didn't happen."
"But I was hooked on the drugs."
"Yes." She checked his chart again. "You were under a lot of stress, I imagine."
He shrugged. "Some. Nothing more than usual."
"You are in a rock band." She ticked it off on her fingers. "That's got to be stressful. On the other hand, this the third? tour you've been on, so you were somewhat used to that. You also were having a fight with your brother. And your cousin." Three fingers were up. "That causes a lot of stress as well. Especially when there is NO chance for a break from them." The fourth finger went up.
Jonathan started to say something, then paused and closed his mouth again. After a minute, he looked at her. "Will I ever know what happened?"
She put her hand on the desk and leaned towards him. "That is up to you."
"I've been driving myself crazy trying to remember, trying to come up with some explanation."
"That needs to stop." He looked startled at her short answer, and she smiled to soften it. "Don't try too hard. The human brain is a smart one, and you might create memories for yourself."
He blinked in some surprise. "Then what?"
"Have you ever heard of hypnotherapy?"
"Yes."
"That is an option... are you okay?"
He felt the blood drain from his face, and he leaned back. "Yes. I think I just over did it." He gave her a wry smile that wasn't quite what it could have been. "I don't think I've quite realized how much of my energy came from that drug." I can't do that! he screamed in his head. What if they found out what I did to JJ? What if I did do that to her?
"That is a common concern. Just be patient, and your energy level will be up to normal."
He nodded. "Do I have to decide now about the hypnotherapy?"
She shook her head. "No, not at all." She make a mark on her chart.
He sighed softly. This was going to be hard.
Jonathan thought long and hard about the decision facing him. He wanted to know if he had blocked the memories and if he was just deluding himself. Maybe it would be a good idea to let her do that. Then that mystery, at least, would be solved. A few days later he accepted, and she hypnotized him. She asked him first about the first day he supposedly bought the drug, but found nothing, no evidence that he had done so. They chose other random days, and still found no evidence of him taking the drug. He went through normal rehabilitation, then they kept him a little longer, trying to find out what had been going on.
In between, he applied to colleges. His counselor had said that it was best to keep his mind busy. He was pretty sure no one wanted to associate with him after what he'd done, so he figured he wouldn't be going on tour again, not that touring kept his mind busy except for the concerts, which were two hours five nights a week. A school in Colorado finally accepted him, and he asked about being released.
"We can't find any evidence that you ever took the drug, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you didn't. Do you think you can function in the world without becoming addicted again?" the psychologist asked. Jon sat across the desk from her, studying his hands.
"Yeah, I think so. I'm outa the situation that caused the addiction, and I'm goin' back to school," he said. "I generally deal with stress well, and now that I know what bein' addicted is like, I'll recognize it earlier. I don't think I'll be so stupid this time." He looked up, his hazel eyes shining.
"Well, then I can see no reason not to release you. You can probably go home on Friday," she smiled. "I can give you the address of the support group that might help."
"I'm going to Colorado," he said quickly. "Golden. It would be better to have one there."
"All right, then, we'll look into it."
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