The talk seemed to have helped. Jordan seemed happier, looked like he'd returned to his old self. Jon still worried about him, but tried not to be too "mother-hen" ish. They discussed Chris often, and Peter supplied them with information as they asked for it, even though he couldn't understand why. After every talk, Jordan regained more of his old personality.
About two months later, following a concert, Jordan received a phone call. Danny, who had stopped in to talk, had fallen asleep. Jordan listened, slowly lowered himself into the chair, and hung up. He stared at the phone, a tear trickling down each cheek.
Danny woke the next morning to find him there. "Jordan," he said gently. Jordan didn't respond, and Danny didn't know if he'd been heard. "Jordan," he repeated, and when he still got no answer, he went to get Jon. Jon arrived shortly and knelt in front of his brother.
"Jordan," he called softly. Tears fell from Jordan's eyes, and Jon looked at Danny. "Help me get him on the bed," he said. They stood Jordan up, and he seemed to come to life, slightly, moving feebly against them. They sat him on the bed, but when they tried to make him lay down, he resisted, putting one hand out to stop himself. "Are you okay?" Jonathan asked. Jordan looked at him.
"They found Chris last night," he said. His voice matched his eyes - dead. "He suffocated himself."
"Did you sleep at all last night?" Jon asked. Jordan glared at him.
"Don't you care?" he demanded, tears again welling up in his eyes.
"Chris is beyond me," Jon retorted gently, avoiding the question. "Did you sleep last night?"
"No," Jordan responded, giving in. Jon knew he'd have to answer the question later, but shoved it from his mind. He had more important things to think about.
"Try now," he said. "I'll get you up when we leave." Jordan lay back and closed his eyes, then opened them again almost immediately.
"Don't leave me," he whispered. Jon nodded and sat next to him, glancing at Danny in worry. He closed his eyes again and relaxed instantly. "How many people have I killed?" he mumbled before falling asleep. Jon sighed as Danny left, closing the door behind him.
Danny returned two hours later to tell them it was time to go. Jon woke Jordan, then went to finish packing. Jordan moved woodenly onto the bus, and went to the back and fell asleep on his bunk. Jon sat on the floor next to him, trying to think about what to say.
Jordan woke later to a hesitant melody one of his keyboards. Opening his eyes, he saw Jon's dark head bent over the instrument, picking out notes, probably unaware that he'd even woken up. He lay still, listening to the hesitant melody, feeling a lot like the melody must; unknown and unsure what note should come next. After a minute, Jon sighed and straightened his back with a stretch.
"Piano is not my forte," he said, turned off the keyboard, and put it on the bunk across the aisle. "Neither is speaking. Jordan, there is nothing I can even think of to say to make you understand that everything that has happened the last two years has not been your fault? If you had slept with her, then it would be your fault. How am I supposed to convince you that you had nothing to do with what Chris did? You are so dense sometimes! This is so stupid, all of it. When will you straighten up?" He shook his head and sighed. "It's been a long two years."
"Oh, really?" Jordan asked. Jon turned to look at him, relieved to see color and life in his face. "You never answered my question."
"Which one?" Jon asked, feigning ignorance.
"Whether you cared that Chris was dead."
"I don't know." He paused and thought a minute. "I haven't had the time to think about it. I think I'm glad he's not there to make you miserable anymore - If you'll stop letting him. But no, I'm not glad he's dead. If I had been able to change any of it, so he didn't end up like that I would have changed it. I couldn't do anything about it. I didn't do anything. Neither did you." He grinned. "We're stopped for lunch; you hungry?" Jon stood up, and Jordan swung his feet over the side of the bunk.
"Yeah." A smile started on his face as he realized that Jon didn't know he'd heard the whole monologue, then he followed his brother to the front of the bus. As he started down the steps, Jordan leaned forward. "You've made a good start in convincing me," he whispered. Jon turned to look at him, startled, but Jordan laughed and pushed him down the steps.
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